Things have been amazing for me lately.
Life has been quite good.

I have the best boy in my life and I wouldn't trade him for anything.
We've been going out offically for 1 week now and it's been amazing.
He's amazing
*le sigh*

But,
of course, me being little miss pessimism
I always find the doubt in the most wonderful things.

I don't doubt that Brad likes me.
He did ask me out afterall.
But I'm starting to feel the beginnings of a plateau.
and I know why.

It's pretty much my fault. But he shares the blame too
I feel so strongly about Brad. I've never felt this way about anyone.
The "L" word is at the tip of my tounge.
But I dare not say it.

And here lies the problem.
I don't want to scare him off by telling me how strongly I feel.
What if I like him far more then he likes me?
Like, I know things wont always be mutual or exactly even between us,
but...

I dunno
I just dont want to scare him or make him feel pressured
I know he went through some rough relationships
with some rather obsessed people.
one in peticular

but lets not go there

point is
I want to get as close as I can to him.. not like to the point of obsession
but he is my boyfriend
and I love him
and I just want him to know that
show it to him
just be able to express myself

but
I need to hold myself back
because, like I said
I dont want to scare him or make him feel nervous

I'm so comfortable around him
but I just havent had the opportunity to talk to him about this all
nor would I really know how to talk about it/get the answers I want 
without talking about the actual problem

ugh

whatever though.
I love Brad
thats all that matters
and I'm pretty sure we wont be breaking up anytime soon
so I'm happy
=)
 

So I haven't written in forever.
But I need somewhere more private to rant about life.
Well, rant would be the wrong word.
More like.. Express my feelings.
Feelings for someone.
Feelings for a guy.
Feelings for a Mr. Bradley Ivany .

I don't know how to explain it.
Things just seem so... Perfect?
Like, I know theres no such thing.. but I'm just so into this guy.
I refuse to say the L word though.
Its on my mind, and I want to say it.
But its too soon.
We've only really been talking for a month and a half now.

But.
He's just so amazing.
Like, I never feel weird or awkward or pressured to do anything with him.
With every other guy I've known. 
They've expected something from me.
Usually something sexual.
But then again. 
One gets used to being used after a while.

But with Brad, its different.
Nothing is every pushed or needed.
It just is.

I feel like I've known him all my life.
Like he's always been there.
We do things together and two days later it seems like forever ago.

He's so amazing too.
He's attractive, Cute, Funny, Mellow.
He loves the outdoors as much as me.
He's a god at the guitar.
We adore the same music.
We practically share the same thoughts.

It's ridiculous.

But things just work with us.
Like, Things are going at the perfect pace.
A little too slow for my liking, but its better that way.
Rushing helps no one. 
But.
He leaves it up to me to make the first move.
And I love that.

Me and Guys never ever seemed to work out.
But with Bradley.
Everything works.

Since he's entered my life, things have been wonderous.
Like, I can't begin to describe it.

I'm finally losing the weight I've always wanted to.
I no longer eat to solve my problems.
I'm always happy.. constantly happy.
I think of him and smile because thats all I can do.
I'm smiling right now.
It's 1:30 in the morning, I have a chem assignment due tomorrow that I dont understand and have yet to start and I'm smiling.

Dear god, what is this boy doing to me?
Whatever it is,
I hope it never stops.

I wish I could see him more often. 
But absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I think if I saw him everyday at school, I'd get annoyed.
Something which I hope never ever happens.

But
( here I go again with the Buts)
What if he doesnt feel the same way?
What if I feel so much more strongly about him then he does about me?

I wish I knew.
I mean, I kissed him first? Does that me he was waiting on me?
Or that he just wasn't interested?

I don't like doubt.
It ruins my happy moods.
But then again, one doesnt go for so long in a world of pessimism and then just suddenly change.

I'm still constantly filled with doubt.
What if he only likes my personality?
I'm certainly not the skinniest or prettiest of girls. I've had people and guys tell me to my face that I'm disgusting.
I'm just not physically attractive.... How can someone as amazing as him like someone as bland as me?

Fuck questions.
I'm just going to try and be happy for once and pray that this works out for me.
For once, give me something happy in my life.
I like to think I deserve it.

Well thats long enough for tonight,
I have chem homework
and a science fair proposal to do.

Goodnight all and wish me luck! 

Okay, I have a problem
and I need some advice.

Me and my friend, 
lets call her Jane, 
are bestest friends, 

we are incredibly close 
and I don't think anything could ever tear us apart.

We even have a crush on the SAME GUY.
and yet it doesnt bother us.

If this guy, who is also our close friend,
(lets call him Jake)
started to go out with Jane,
I'd be happy for them

Crushed but happy

Now here is my problem.

I still like this guy, and we both like him on about the same level

BUT

I'm starting to think that Jake likes me more then he likes Jane.

Now I know Jane still likes him, 
and I'm not sure how she would feel 
should I attempt to persue a relationship with him
( I dont think it would hurt our friendship, but I dont want to hurt her)

She's actually attempting to move on from Jake,
She's starting to notice that he is unsure how to act around her
and that he's les receptive to her.

But she still has feelings for him.

Now here is my basic issue.

Should I push for something with Jake?
I've talked to Jane about me and him hypothetically going out a while ago
She said that she would feel the same as me.

I really do like Jake.
He is a little awkward at times.
But he's so cute and sarcastic

He would need a little coaxing and perhaps a push or two from me
I would probably have to make the first move
But he would be so worth it and more.

But should I risk my friends feelings?
What about my feelings?
Would she really not care?
Or is she lying?

Help?

They live their pristine lives, never a care.

They are
The beautiful ones,
The ambitious ones.

They are far from perfect, yet more then I will ever be. I try to emulate them, to be them.

But I fail.

I am mearly a shadow, a fraction of what they are. This leaves me in limbo, torn between who I am and the life I've created for myself.

It's disgusting.

Being the carbon copy I am makes me prejudice, makes me turn my head to the most amazing people.

But I will never be ood enough to live in their perfect world.

How fucked up am I?

I see those who are beneath what I claim to be, and I fear to talk to them, afraid to be tainted.

And it disgusts me.

I loathe myself in this regard.

But then I turn and compare those same people to the real me, the me that so longs to be a part of their easy, carefree world.

Here, in this sense, they are so much better then me. They are true. They know who they are and maybe they may never have the same goals as me...

But its better then living a lie.
______________________________________________________

How is it I am so bi-polar? It's like I'm two different halfs of two different people but both sides are too scared to take over.

One is alive and one is dead.

But which is which?

I guess that has yet to be determined. But then again, who gives a fuck?

Maybe this is just what I'm meant to be. Fucked up for the rest of my life.
Maybe I'm just not good enough to live in either world.
Maybe I should just stay out of both.
______________________________________________________

I hate being so confused.
I fucking hate it.
______________________________________________________

I wish I could be a part of his world, not have to glace at his dark eyes breifly when he looks the other way. I wish I had the gall to look him in the eye when he looks at me, or at least I hope anyways.

I'm so fucking pathetic. Why do I constantly hope for things that will absolutely never be mine?

He's too good for me.
Too sure of himself,
Too talented,
Too amazing.

I may never see him for the next 2 months and yet I still have these ideas floating around in my head of things that will never be.

And yet my mind betrays me again.